Joke of the Week

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were... 'fuck or drown'".

Please help Larry David

Announcement

I am going to run for office:

Friday Fun

Rollercoaster Rush

You control the speed and brakes for a rollercoaster.

Not that there is anything wrong with that

This ad got banned in the UK for what happens at the end:

The Paper Money Clip

Knight Rider GPS

mio knight rider gps from knight rider online on Vimeo.

Even though this is so cool for my car, I think I am going to hold out for the KARR version.

Swedish Furniture Name Generator

Ikea seems to generate some funky names for their furniture. The Swedish Furniture Name Generator generated Vandelay as Svantelaii.

To find out your Swedish Furniture name, click on the link above.

The Jerk Store

Ok, so I was walking around New York the other day, and I came across the Jerk Store. Naturally, I had to go in to see if they had any jerks in stock. Yes they did, and I bought one for $49.99! Here is the receipt:

Ok, this isn't a real receipt. You can make your own custom recipts at http://www.customreceipt.com/. You could also make your own road signs here too:

Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays

There are things that people continuously say at the office that gets on my nerves. Here are 50 of them gathered by Lucy Kellaway's campaign against office jargon:

50 office-speak phrases you love to hate

Joke of the Week

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

--
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy said "Me feet are freezing, will you nip upstairs and get my slippers for me?"

"No bother", said Murphy and goes upstairs. There he finds Paddy's stunning twin 19 year old daughters sitting on the bed.

"Hello girls", he said smiling, "Your Dad sent me up here to shag the pair of ye!"

"Feck off ya liar!" they replied.

"I'll prove it!" says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course! What's the use of fucking one?"

Letters to Serial Killers

This is almost like Letters from a Nut, where a writer with too much time writes letters to various businesses with really absurd requests. The response from these businesses are hilarious.

In the Billy Letters, Bill Geerhart posing as a 10 year old boy writes to several serial killers like Charles Manson. The responses are a great read!

The Billy Letters

CNN Blooper

Friday Fun

Super Mario Kart


Bonus Game:

Puzzle Farter

50 Cents Value Name

50 Cent has been asked to change his name to 79 Cent by a US fast food chain. The 'In Da Club' rapper was challenged by Taco Bell to consider calling himself 79, 89 or 99 Cent to promote the restaurant's new value menu. Taco Bell have promised to donate $10,174 to a charity of the rapper's choice if he also agrees to stop at one of their outlets and rap his order at the drive-thru.
The eatery will also treat all the customers at the star's chosen restaurant to free meals. Taco Bell President and CEO Greg Creed said in a letter to the singer: "We know that you adopted the name 50 Cent years ago as a metaphor for change. We at Taco Bell are also huge advocates for change. We encourage you to 'Think Outside the Bun' and hope you accept our offer."

50 - real name Curtis Jackson - previously showed his love for fast food during a tour of the UK last year. The hip-hop star reportedly gave a rider to each British concert venue he visited, requesting a KFC chicken bucket served to him on fine china.

Breadmaking in the 80's

Foot Update

The sixth foot was a hoax. An animal paw was inserted into the shoe, namely an Adidas shoe. Maybe this latest one is a marketing scheme by someone at Adidas or just a hoaxster playing with us.

The Mystery of the Missing Feet

Feet are washing onshore all around Vancouver in the past few years. So far the sixth one was found yesterday in Campbell Island. What are your theories on where these feet are coming from?


View Larger Map

Lost Feet In Vancouver

Star Wars Dance Off

I love it when the late entry came in. But it is nothing like this dance off:

Have you seen my pen?

Are you tired of your co-workers borrowing your pens and not returning them? Borrow My Pen made some pens that will be sure to raise eyebrows and have your pen returned in no time. Each pen has a fake business name with a catchy business moto that will be sure to have people from keeping the pens at their cubicle. Stuff like this are priceless:

SPRINGFIELD SEXUAL ADDICTION CENTER
From PERV to PERFECT in as little as 10 days

Electrolysis Is Us
The first Name in Unwanted Hair Removal

DR. LANCE HUGHES, PROCTOLOGY
"Turn your head and cough"

Gimme Five

With Tiger's most recent victory at the U.S. Open, all the sports talk shows were focused on the race to catch Jack's 18 majors or the fact he gutted through one of his most memorable wins while fighting an injured knee. Leave it to our own Rick Ball courtesy of Team 1040 to point out the one thing that Tiger has been unable to conquer in his storied career, his inability to deliver a proper high five with his caddie. It starts out with the right motion but near the middle it really looks as if they are going to miss which is followed a weird clutch and grab at the end. I never really thought about this until I watched some old footage of the fiver. I think the picture just about speaks for itself. Next time maybe they should stick to something less fancy like a fist pump a la Howie Mandel.

The Great Office War

Who will win? IT or Sales?

Oil Alternatives

With oil at $140 a barrel, we are now getting all sorts of ways to find cheaper oil. So, this little tidbit comes from the Silicon Valley. Scientists found a bug that eats agricultural waste products like wood chips, and excretes crude oil. Bugs with oil coming out of their asses! I thought that only Texas oilmen were the only things on earth that had oil coming out of their asses.

Scientists find bugs that eat waste and excrete petrol

The Bikini Effect

Why do men have trouble sticking to diets and staying within budgets? Belgian researchers have discovered what is called the Bikini Effect.

The Bikini Effect Makes Men Impulsive

Joke of the Week

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer."

Happy Father's Day

SkyMall Products

Skymall, the shopping catalog that you find on airplanes often comes out with awesome products. Items like the Dough-Nu-Matic, Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker, and Mini Beer Pub are great examples of must-haves for any home. Sometimes there are items that you wonder who are the people buying this kind of stuff:

The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy

The NoseAid is just plain dumb. Try using the ancient Chinese remedy of shoving up a lettuce leaf up your nose to stop a nose bleed.

Friday Fun

Do not let your balls touch or get rammed against the wall:

Ghostball

Baby-proofing your computer

When your kids start to get interested in playing with your computer, most likely the first things they know how to do are to delete your files, renaming things, and moving your most important files into the most obscure places. Try installing Baby Smash.

"As babies smash on the keyboard, colored shapes, letters and numbers appear on the screen. Baby Smash will lock out the Windows Key, as well as Ctrl-Esc and Alt-Tab so your baby can't get out of the application. Pressing ALT-F4 will exit the application and Shift-Ctrl-Alt-O brings up the options dialog."

Hopefully, junior will not learn to press ALT-F4 very quickly.

The Caffeine Click Test

Check how caffeinated you are right now:


Created by OnePlusYou

Concept Cars

In this list of 10 craziest concept cars, you will find this interesting car by Chinese automaker Tang Hua. It is shaped to be very aerodynamic. Umm...yeah. Does anyone see similarities to TV Funhouse's Ambiguously Gay Duo's car?

The Ten Craziest Concept Cars Of All Time

Getting Drunk on Bar-B-Q sauce

A store in Britain refuses to sell barbecue sauce that contained a small amount of alcohol to a 25 year old customer because she can't prove her age. They even refused to sell it to her 27 year old brother in law who could prove his age because they believed he would just give the bottle to her:

Tesco refuses to sell BBQ sauce to woman without ID

I am guessing that you will have to down a couple of Costco sized bottles of this stuff before you can get a buzz off of it. I love barbecue sauce, but I don't know anyone who loves it that much to down bulk sized bottles of it.

Condiment Gun

It is not the ketchup and mustard together in a squeeze bottle that Kramerica is developing, but it is a pretty good dispensing idea for condiments.

The Condiment Gun

I wonder if there is one for salsa?

Tropic of Cancer

Henry Miller on New York:



I would not return his book back to the library either.

Joke of the Week

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a guy carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the guy. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the guy wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

The Foot Fist Way

I can't wait to watch this movie:



The Foot Fist Way

Friday Fun

Do you think you have what it takes to impress Gordon Ramsay? Download the free Hell's Kitchen game. Pay to get the uncensored version.

Or see what it is like to be a waitress:

Penguin Diner

The Allure of the Deal

What is it about a deal that makes people lose all semblance of rationality and buy something they normally wouldn’t? I had a friend who was willing to buy a Versace dress 2 sizes too big and hideous as hell for the chance to say I have a Versace dress. I mean it was 90% off but at $2000, it still would have cost her $200. Good price but red carpet material it wasn’t. We’ve all been guilty of buying something we never wanted simply because the deal was too good to pass up. Just recently I was boxing day shopping when I came across a stunning Armani jacket for $400, marked down from $1200 retail. Now I’ve always wanted to own an Armani anything so I tried it on. Wouldn’t you know it, it was a perfect fit. I stood in front of the mirror admiring myself and like Nicolas Cage in the family man thought “I don’t know why but this jacket makes me a better person.. When I got home I looked at my shoe rack and thought “Now which pair of $60 outlet shoes should I match with it”?

Human Tailgating

It's bad enough that we have to endure people riding your bumper while you're going 120 clicks in the fast lane but going down an escalator? What have rush hour commuters turned into in an effort to shave 5 minutes off their daily commute? As I was going down the escalator in the left lane (aka the fast lane) this morning, this young petite girl was right on my tail. For some reason, it was strangely similar to being tailgated by a Mazda Miata. As I hurdled down the stairs two at time, warm bialy in one hand, a cup of Dean and Deluca in the other, worlds were definetely colliding. I think tomorrow morning I'm just gonna move my Chevy Suburban ass over to the right.

Say It Isn't So

CBC announced that it will not be renewing the Hockey Night in Canada theme song.

Sounds like a plot from a Hollywood movie

The heist of the Bill Reid collection at Museum of Anthropology at UBC is now sounding like a plan from a Hollywood movie. Several hours before the heist, surveillance cameras mysteriously went off, and then security got a phone call. The caller claimed to be from the alarm company saying that there was a problem with the system and to ignore any alarms that might go off. Right....haven't we seen this enough during heist films and especially when Han Solo was telling Imperial guards that everything was OK. Well security fell for it and ignored the automated computer alerts sent to them. Furthermore, the guard at the museum left for a smoke break, allowing the window for the thieves to break in and spray bear spray. No wonder UBC was embarrassed to let us know how the heist happened.

The UroClub

You are golfing and feel the need to take a leak. There's no washroom in the near vicinity, nor are there any trees or bushes. So you reach for your 15th club in your bag. What kind of club is that, you say? It is your rescue club, the UroClub.

"The UroClub™ is intended to eliminate anxiety and any feeling of uneasiness on the course. It can be emptied at the nearest restroom or later on, when the golfer returns home."

What a twist!

I can't wait to see M. Night Shaymalan's new movie, The Penis.

Numb Nut?

Best moment in Spelling Bee 2008. This is what happens when you combine kids and words that sound provocative. Mulva?

Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels

A while ago, we were at Monks and talking about TV shows. Then the topic somehow moved on to Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels. Someone thought that the name of the show sounded too much like a title for a porn movie. Well, I guess Rachael Ray did something similar. Before she was famous, she taught Sex Education classes to New England debutants. Here is a long lost record from one of those sessions:

No, man! Not the gas!

"Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, Kramer and that other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!"

Find out how far your car can go on when the gas light comes on:

Tank on Empty

Can you go further than E and experience that high?

Now that is talent

Bananas are the world's most popular fruit. However, they may be on the road to extinction:

Why bananas are a parable for our times

Oh no, no more bananas? Does that mean that we can't have any move fun with this fruit like in this video on how to properly peel a banana?

Joke of the Week

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"