The 40 Year Old Office Virgin

I’d had the pleasure to work in a few sketchy establishments in my lifetime, so I would be considered somewhat of an expert on this subject. The office environment is rife with sidlers, low talkers and individuals of questionable b.o., although those are all topics for another time.

One of the most fascinating of office creatures is the 40 year old office virgin. Everyone always has an idea of who this individual might be in the office but then again, we’re not exactly looking for Ted Bundy here. One particular individual I used to work with, whom I ascertained to be a 40 Y.O.O.V. exhibited these telltale signs:

- Love of Japanese Hentai porn
- Extended bathroom breaks (quite often accompanied by Japanese hentai porn tucked
unassumingly under the arm)
- Egg salad sandwiches
- Excessive tidiness
- All clothing must be tucked into the pants even if sweats are involved
- Propensity to avoid alcohol (or if somehow alcohol was consumed would turn into “the office groper”)
- Any eye contact with members of the opposite sex, good looking or otherwise often leads to a perspiration outbreak
- Great love of art house films (Night at the Roxbury or Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecaste do NOT fit the bill)
-Fascination with the Lionel Ritchie song “Hello”
- Tends to buy copious amounts of girl scout cookies and never eat them

While these individuals are generally harmless, angering them can lead to retaliatory behavior such as stealing of one’s swingline stapler and entombing it in jello or pasting of said offender’s face to a picture of David Hasselhof and circulating it around the office in a TPS Report.

In my personal experience the best way to deal with a 40 Y.O.O.V is not to deal with them at all. As the old adage goes, if the stalls a knocking don’t come a…….okay well that’s just kind of gross because we know there’s no woman involved.

Popeye's Chicken Founder passes away

I love Popeyes Chicken. There is nothing like it. Let us all bow our heads down for a moment of silence before crunching down on that nice piece of crispy Popeyes chicken in honor of Al Copeland.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/25/business/25copeland.html

Awareness Test

The Pee Swirl

My 3 year old son just started potty training at his daycare and I must say I am very impressed by his progress. They teach the kids to stand on a stool, hold the top of the toilet seat, lean forward slightly and pee away. Breathtaking to say the least but what they did not teach him was the swiveling of the hips in a side to side motion creating the pee swirl. If you’ve ever watched Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber, in the scene where he is confronted by Seabass, then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Now, is this just a guy thing or is there an inherent genealogy behind this? Unfortunately I’m unable to recollect such experiences from my own childhood, but I would not be surprised if such a trait was passed on by the old man. As he approaches his formative preschool years, it remains to be seen whether he develop another gem. The cupping of the hand underneath the pitts creating the underarm fart seems to come to mind.

Smell and the City (Part I)

Ever been super hungry? You’re on amber alert for anything resembling food. The nose is on autopilot picking up scents from a block away. The rest of your body naturally follows suit. Your neck cranes awkwardly and your pace quickens as you make your way to the aromatic source. Ah, the oh-so-yummy is only metres away.

Well, what really bothers me is when that source of the oh-so-yummy, isn’t really all that yummy. So, into a crowded place you walk. Your nose perks up, and like a bloodhound tracking down a fugitive, you seek out the odour. To your disappointment, however, there is no food. Your disappointment quickly turns into confusion, and even quicker, the confusion into a “WTF!” For you know, you know damn right, that the odour can be only one other thing – yes - the delicious B.O.

The delicious B.O. is really not, in fact, delicious. It is beyond Beyond-B.O. In my experience the delicious B.O. usually comes from a little man - perhaps a little man in a tank top and a moustache. For the little man does not know any better as he emanates odours of tortilla chips, parmesan cheese and the deadliest of all, my favourite, butter chicken.

Light headed from hunger, I can only feel disgust and shame. To be fair, it’s not just disgust at the little man, but mostly disgust with myself. How can I be fooled yet again?

Beating myself up, I recall the emanation yet again, “It’s delicious…but it’s revolting…but it’s delicious”. So for all you little emanating men out there, do me a favour. Shave that moustache, I can’t stand the thought of food and hair!

The 5 worst goals ever

I recently stumbled upon a very funny article titled “The five most embarrassing hockey goals I’ve ever seen”. Hmmmm, I wonder if Vesa Toskala’s 190 foot knuckler last week had anything to do with it? Without further adieu, here is the top 5 list of worst goals ever.

5.) Toronto Maple Leafs goalie Vesa Toskala lets in a goal on a shot by New York Islander Rob Davidson from his own goal line.

4.) Nicklas Lidstrom scores on Dan Cloutier from center ice in the 2002 Conference Finals

3.) Tommy Salo humiliates himself at the 2002 Olympics

2.) Patrick Roy’s Statue of Liberty goal at the 2002 Conference

1.) Steve Smith scores on his own net in the 1986 playoffs

In terms of impact, the Steve Smith goal had to be one of the worst, if not THE worst, gaffe in NHL history. For sheer entertainment value, the slow mo replay of the puck bouncing off Tommy Salo’s head takes the cake. My friends and I were at GM place when Nic Lidstrom scored the goal on Dan Cloutier from center ice and the beachball comments were very warranted. I do think my 3 year old son probably could’ve made that save standing behind one pad.

So there you have it, the top 5 worst goals ever and I don't think you've find much disagreement from those in the hockey community on any of those.

The Corolla Driver

Have you ever been behind a driver that brakes at everything, including green lights? Have you ever been behind a driver who drives as if there is a school zone thoughout the GVRD? Have you ever been behind a driver who seems more confused than George Bush? Well, chances are you were following a Toyota Corolla.

I'm not trying to say the Corolla is not a good car. In fact, it's one of the best selling cars in the world. It's reliable, inexpensive and good value. It's a car that every practical person would purchase. However, it's not very exciting; in fact it's downright boring. Even the "sport" edition that came out 5 years ago was a joke, with it's glued-on ground effects. Therein lies the problem. People who buy the Corolla are not looking for a sports car or anything of that ilk. In fact, they want something pretty conservative and reliable. So you will probably find that most Corolla drivers won't be participating in the Daytona 500.

Next time, when you are following an annoying driver, pay attention to it. You'll notice that it is the most painful experience in the world - to follow behind a Toyota Corolla.