Monday, March 31, 2008

Hell's This...Answered

I would like to thank the anonymous commenter for enlightening me on the truck testicles. Quite the classy contraption this is.

I suppose you're never too old to learn something new.

Henry Ford must be turning in his grave. However, I say this is a helluva product for Kramerica Industries.
PS This would look good with my Club and Window Visor

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Ripped Homeless Man

I used to be in fairly decent shape and by decent shape I mean there was very little spillage when I put on my 501’s. These days what I long for more than a chocolate ├ęclair, is to be able to recapture the metabolism and athleticism of my youth. Not that I’m old by any stretch of the imagination but fatherhood and age have ravaged my once toned body beyond recognition. Father time has definitely not been kind to me. The current weekly regiment of old timer’s ball hockey and occasional gym visit seem to do little to stop the morphing of my body into a physique worthy of George Costanza. You can imagine my dismay when I happen upon a shirtless binner with the abs of Antonio Sabato Jr and the chest of Adonis. And to add further insult to injury, he had a George Hamiltonesque tan. How does a homeless person find time to work out regularly and fit in some fake n bake to boot? I suppose pushing a shopping cart full of aluminum pop cans might have sometime to do with it. Had I known that all I had to do to keep in shape was to push around a shopping cart, I would have added that to my regiment years ago. I suppose I can take solace in the fact that even though he was ripped, at least he wasn’t handsome

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Hell's This?

The Job

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Bring Back The Club

Remember about 10 years ago? Everyone had The Club and/or a dashboard protector (cleverly sold with an image of a sunglass) for their car. Doesn't matter what kind of car you had. BMW? Club. Ford Bronco? Visor. Chevette? Club and a visor! Everywhere you looked, there was The Club.

These days though, with alarm systems and immobilzers being commonplace, we've seen a sharp decline in the use of The Club and dashboard protectors. With no alarm or immobilzer to call my own, but wanting to ensure a secured and moderately warm car, I feel kind of left in a lurch, sacrificing a certain amount of sophistication for savings and automotive security.
Tough part is, what am I to do on a date? Slip the valet a fiver, covertly pass along the sunglass dash protector and carefully, yet firmly instruct, "now this little key here..." Should that go unnoticed by the date, am I to drop her off at her house, follow the invite upstairs with the distinctive clicking lock of The Club?

It's a fine balancing act being a single, cheap and paranoid man. I say, let's all get back on equal footing - bring back The Club!

Buffet Etiquette

I recently visited a few traditional buffets and noticed that people are indeed morons. A buffet is no excuse to act like a neanderthal. It's all-you-can eat, not all-you-can-crude. Here are my oberservations:

1] If you do not cut into line at a store lineup waiting to pay for your purchase, do not cut into line to get that meatball.

2] Do not take a plate, touch it, inspect it and decide it's dirty and place it back on the plate stack in front of somebody.

3] Do not pick one-by-one, the best piece of rib in front of everyone.

4] Do not take all the shrimp when there is a lineup behind you.

5] Do not eat so much that you have to puke in the washroom for the next person to see.

6] Do not stare at the fat people.

7] For god's sake, tip the wait staff, they still clean up the crap that you leave behind.

8] Do not take a mound of food on 3 different plates, it's a buffet, there will be more food.

9] Do not secretly place food in your purse, it's against the rules and frankly it's disgusting.

10] Be polite, don't grunt like a caveman, even though you are gorging like one.

11] Don't complain about the food especially if the buffet costs you $10. What did you expect?

If we follow some general rules of the buffet, we would all be happier, if not fuller.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Have you ever seen Junior?

Have you ever seen that crappy Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Junior? Well the movie was about a male doctor who did a research project to become pregnant. Very far fetched idea, right? Well it seems that a guy in Oregon is pregnant.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The 40 Year Old Office Virgin

I’d had the pleasure to work in a few sketchy establishments in my lifetime, so I would be considered somewhat of an expert on this subject. The office environment is rife with sidlers, low talkers and individuals of questionable b.o., although those are all topics for another time.

One of the most fascinating of office creatures is the 40 year old office virgin. Everyone always has an idea of who this individual might be in the office but then again, we’re not exactly looking for Ted Bundy here. One particular individual I used to work with, whom I ascertained to be a 40 Y.O.O.V. exhibited these telltale signs:

- Love of Japanese Hentai porn
- Extended bathroom breaks (quite often accompanied by Japanese hentai porn tucked
unassumingly under the arm)
- Egg salad sandwiches
- Excessive tidiness
- All clothing must be tucked into the pants even if sweats are involved
- Propensity to avoid alcohol (or if somehow alcohol was consumed would turn into “the office groper”)
- Any eye contact with members of the opposite sex, good looking or otherwise often leads to a perspiration outbreak
- Great love of art house films (Night at the Roxbury or Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecaste do NOT fit the bill)
-Fascination with the Lionel Ritchie song “Hello”
- Tends to buy copious amounts of girl scout cookies and never eat them

While these individuals are generally harmless, angering them can lead to retaliatory behavior such as stealing of one’s swingline stapler and entombing it in jello or pasting of said offender’s face to a picture of David Hasselhof and circulating it around the office in a TPS Report.

In my personal experience the best way to deal with a 40 Y.O.O.V is not to deal with them at all. As the old adage goes, if the stalls a knocking don’t come a…….okay well that’s just kind of gross because we know there’s no woman involved.

Popeye's Chicken Founder passes away

I love Popeyes Chicken. There is nothing like it. Let us all bow our heads down for a moment of silence before crunching down on that nice piece of crispy Popeyes chicken in honor of Al Copeland.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Pee Swirl

My 3 year old son just started potty training at his daycare and I must say I am very impressed by his progress. They teach the kids to stand on a stool, hold the top of the toilet seat, lean forward slightly and pee away. Breathtaking to say the least but what they did not teach him was the swiveling of the hips in a side to side motion creating the pee swirl. If you’ve ever watched Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber, in the scene where he is confronted by Seabass, then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Now, is this just a guy thing or is there an inherent genealogy behind this? Unfortunately I’m unable to recollect such experiences from my own childhood, but I would not be surprised if such a trait was passed on by the old man. As he approaches his formative preschool years, it remains to be seen whether he develop another gem. The cupping of the hand underneath the pitts creating the underarm fart seems to come to mind.

Smell and the City (Part I)

Ever been super hungry? You’re on amber alert for anything resembling food. The nose is on autopilot picking up scents from a block away. The rest of your body naturally follows suit. Your neck cranes awkwardly and your pace quickens as you make your way to the aromatic source. Ah, the oh-so-yummy is only metres away.

Well, what really bothers me is when that source of the oh-so-yummy, isn’t really all that yummy. So, into a crowded place you walk. Your nose perks up, and like a bloodhound tracking down a fugitive, you seek out the odour. To your disappointment, however, there is no food. Your disappointment quickly turns into confusion, and even quicker, the confusion into a “WTF!” For you know, you know damn right, that the odour can be only one other thing – yes - the delicious B.O.

The delicious B.O. is really not, in fact, delicious. It is beyond Beyond-B.O. In my experience the delicious B.O. usually comes from a little man - perhaps a little man in a tank top and a moustache. For the little man does not know any better as he emanates odours of tortilla chips, parmesan cheese and the deadliest of all, my favourite, butter chicken.

Light headed from hunger, I can only feel disgust and shame. To be fair, it’s not just disgust at the little man, but mostly disgust with myself. How can I be fooled yet again?

Beating myself up, I recall the emanation yet again, “It’s delicious…but it’s revolting…but it’s delicious”. So for all you little emanating men out there, do me a favour. Shave that moustache, I can’t stand the thought of food and hair!

The 5 worst goals ever

I recently stumbled upon a very funny article titled “The five most embarrassing hockey goals I’ve ever seen”. Hmmmm, I wonder if Vesa Toskala’s 190 foot knuckler last week had anything to do with it? Without further adieu, here is the top 5 list of worst goals ever.

5.) Toronto Maple Leafs goalie Vesa Toskala lets in a goal on a shot by New York Islander Rob Davidson from his own goal line.

4.) Nicklas Lidstrom scores on Dan Cloutier from center ice in the 2002 Conference Finals

3.) Tommy Salo humiliates himself at the 2002 Olympics

2.) Patrick Roy’s Statue of Liberty goal at the 2002 Conference

1.) Steve Smith scores on his own net in the 1986 playoffs

In terms of impact, the Steve Smith goal had to be one of the worst, if not THE worst, gaffe in NHL history. For sheer entertainment value, the slow mo replay of the puck bouncing off Tommy Salo’s head takes the cake. My friends and I were at GM place when Nic Lidstrom scored the goal on Dan Cloutier from center ice and the beachball comments were very warranted. I do think my 3 year old son probably could’ve made that save standing behind one pad.

So there you have it, the top 5 worst goals ever and I don't think you've find much disagreement from those in the hockey community on any of those.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Corolla Driver

Have you ever been behind a driver that brakes at everything, including green lights? Have you ever been behind a driver who drives as if there is a school zone thoughout the GVRD? Have you ever been behind a driver who seems more confused than George Bush? Well, chances are you were following a Toyota Corolla.

I'm not trying to say the Corolla is not a good car. In fact, it's one of the best selling cars in the world. It's reliable, inexpensive and good value. It's a car that every practical person would purchase. However, it's not very exciting; in fact it's downright boring. Even the "sport" edition that came out 5 years ago was a joke, with it's glued-on ground effects. Therein lies the problem. People who buy the Corolla are not looking for a sports car or anything of that ilk. In fact, they want something pretty conservative and reliable. So you will probably find that most Corolla drivers won't be participating in the Daytona 500.

Next time, when you are following an annoying driver, pay attention to it. You'll notice that it is the most painful experience in the world - to follow behind a Toyota Corolla.

Where has the Mackinaw Peach Gone?

Where am I going with this? Well, it’s another Skytrain “incident” and for those of you keeping track, yes, it’s two straight Skytrain blogs, but really, I ride the train twice a day. Short of airing office gossip and regaling you with tales of my sleeping and eating patterns, the Skytrain is a pretty interesting part of my life – a window into everyday Vancouver, if you will.

Setting is once again the Skytrain…it was a mild March afternoon, to my surprise; it wasn’t an overly crowded day. In fact, it was downright spacious. As usual, I’m minding my own business. However, I have a habit of taking a quick inventory of my surroundings whenever I enter a train. I’m told it’s a good idea for safety reasons. One can never be too sure on the train.

On this day, all seems normal - except for this one dude. And no, it’s not a scary thing or even a gross thing. There’s this guy in dark plastic sunglasses and denim jacket - pretty non-descript. (But really, as a rule of thumb, watch out for those in denim jackets – worse yet denim vests). Only thing was he was gnoshing on a cucumber.

I’ve never seen that. Apples, oranges, pears, even the odd mackinaw peach…but I’ve never seen whole vegetables snacked upon, nevermind a cucumber. Again, I can accept mushrooms, green peppers, or even celery sticks but who snacks on a whole raw cucumber – on public transit? Do that behind closed doors. To make matters worse, behind those sunglasses, I don’t know if he’s staring at me, but it sure looks like he is. Staring straight ahead with a blank look and a cucumber.

Call it homophobia. Call it paranoia. I just felt a bit awkward with all that cucumbering (if that’s a word). Fortunate for my Lachanophobia (fear of vegetables, for the uninitiated, and a potential future blog), my stop was next. I make a hasty retreat and dash home – back to the familiar embrace of my kitchen and trusted Mackinaw peach. It’s in season, you know.

Bad Gifts

Tim Whatley gave me a label maker a while ago. And I thought that was a bad gift that was re-gifted. Here are a bunch of bad gifts from the Bad Gift Emporium:

Boston Dynamics Big Dog

This is a video of an amazing animaltronic developed by Boston Dynamic. We need to get a few of these developers hired at Kramerica to start developing our ideas.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

English Patient director passes away

Oscar winning director of "The English Patient" Anthony Minghella passed away unexpectedly. He was 54.

Elaine, "Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! Die!"

Monday, March 17, 2008

Can you spare a square?

One of the reasons I flat out refuse to use toilets or perform a #2 at a public place is the common phenomenon known as the shit explosion. You go into a stall, open the door and hope you don’t find a bubbling mess of shit fragments strewn together with toilet paper and peppered with urine on the seat. How shit ends up on the ceiling and adjacent stall is simply beyond comprehension. I mean what do these people eat that causes such a violent reaction of the anus that it expels shit with the force of a 50 ton denotation of tnt? Is it an Orange Julius hot dog followed by a Cinnabon or a hearty helping of Curry In a Hurry with extra chutney that does the damage? Obviously some malls in Vancouver are better than others but in the ones I frequent Metrotown, Pacific and Richmond Center, at least 70% of the toilets are deemed unsuitable for public sitting. People, if you’re experiencing dysentery of the bowels that bad you better keep, for lack of a better word that shit at home.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Good AYCE (All-you-can-eat) places

As we add to our ever-increasing waistlines, we always enjoy an AYCE place. You ask why AYCE? I ask why not? When one can go to any chain restaurant these days and drop $20 on a meal and you still need to add a beverage, it seems appealing to go to an AYCE place. Of course we're not talking about AYCE places like the Dragon Inn (God rest it's soul). Rather, we're talking about places that offer QUALITY and quantity.

There are the usual Chinese-run Japanese places such as Fish on Rice and Top Gun. Lunch and dinner are both good bets at roughly $12 and $20 respectively. Some locations of the Thai House offer a pretty good AYCE lunch on weekends for roughly $11. Samba Brazilian steak house offers a great AYCE rodizio for $13 lunch and $27 dinner ($30 weekends). For those fish n chip fans, Cockney Kings and C-Lovers offer all day AYCE with beverage for $9, M,T,W for Cockney Kings and Sundays for C-Lovers. If you like ribs, then you can't go wrong with Montana's AYCE ribs on Wednesdays for $20 (side ribs) and $25 (baby backs). Lastly, Shabusen offers AYCE Japanese Cuisine and Korean BBQ for $13 lunch and $23 dinner.

I'm not saying we should stuff our faces, but if we're going to spend $20 already, and you're feeling a tad hungry, why not go to a good AYCE? Last time I checked, I spent $26 at Earls on a steak and it was pathetically small. The side dish of 6 button mushrooms and a dollop of mash potatoes had me yearning for McD's afterwards. Therefore, AYCE seems like a real deal, assuming you don't end up at a place like China Kitchen; then you'll be better off eating nothing.

Skytraining in Vancouver

Yes, I’m one of the 1-in-4 Vancouverites who use public transit. Daily, I’m greeted with the prospect of carefully pouring myself into the strange human brew that is our Surrey neighbours to the east, ladies from the secretarial pool, and the very foreign exchange students. Yes, it is a diverse group. Yet we are bonded by not only questionable hygiene but, apparently very precise and defined marketing segmentation.

Take a look around the train next time. No, not at the commuters - I try not to make eye contact. But look at the ads. “Unplanned Pregnancy?”, “Bankruptcy?”, “Need a career change?”, “Got Some Family Abuse?” According to the almighty marketers, this seemingly is what us Skytrain commuters have in common. (See why I avoid eye contact? We look strange and indeed, we are strange).

Every ad revolves around these real but depressing issues. Whatever happened to the Pepsi, Kit Kat, or Garnier Fructis ads? It's not enough that we’re packed uncomfortably close to each other but really, must we be reminded of our inadequacies?

Well, I don’t think we’re all bankrupt unemployed bastards, but crammed shoulder to backpack and reading these ads, it gets downright depressing. So marketers, do us a favour! Bring back the consumer ads - chocoate bars, coffee, hair products (yes, hygiene products please) - and give yourselves a Kit Kat, give us commuters a break!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

We get ripped off

Why is it that we as Canadians pay so much more for the exact same products? For example, the Weber Genesis E-320 BBQ sells for $960 at Sears Canada and $800 on "sale" at Home Depot Canada. But at Newegg in the states, it costs $600 delivered! What's going on here? Another example is the Kitchenaid Artisan KSM150WPSWH mixer. It's $450 at The Bay, but it's only $229 with free shipping at Amazon. To me, this is such a ripoff. I say it's worth it to buy from the states and either get it shipped to a friend near the border or just ship it to a postal outlet such as The Letter Carrier or TSB Shipping in Point Roberts, Washington. You don't need to notify them, just use their address as the shipping address. When you go down there, just pay $3 to pick up the item and you've just saved yourself a bundle. Of course with some US merchants, you cannot purchase from their websites if you do not have a credit card registered with a US address. With, you can use a Canadian address as the billing address. But not with Newegg; therefore, you need a good friend or relative in the states to help you purchase the item. But it's well worth the trouble to save so much.

Muffin Tops

It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does it's own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollor idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Wally's, I bid you farewell

Driving along Kingsway and Earles I approach a familiar site of my childhood, good ole Wally Burgers. In fact the black and yellow monstrosity of a sign is pretty hard to miss, looking like a prop rip off from a Roger Corman B movie. All kidding aside, on March 31, 2008, one of the last great institutions for great local burgers will officially close, making way for more concrete high rises. No more deluxe wagons, chuck wagons, onion rings or pogos. I can still remember my grade 4 teacher sending me over there during lunch for what she called “one of those greasy Wally burgers”. For me my memories of Wally’s run deeper than just a simple burger joint. It was my hangout, my hood, a place where I could play bad 80’s video games and kick back. I’m sure this is what Wally’s meant for a lot of kids that grew up there whether it be the 60’s, 70’s or 80’s. One of my wishes was to one day take my son there so we could both enjoy a meal together. Oh well I guess when he’s old enough, that frost bitten Deluxe wagon I’ve been saving for him will have to do.

The Late Night Porno Rental

With the vast number of ways one can discreetly obtain porn (ie. Internet, cable tv, mail in dvd’s disguised in anonymous brown wrapping), it amazes me that people will still venture out at ungodly hours and rent dvd porn from their local late night video store. I mean we’ve all done it at one time or another but that was all before the proliferation of free porn available at our fingertips. Porn sharing has become commonplace amongst my peers just as taking sloppy seconds of that Shannon Tweed playboy was when we were kids. Think about the drama that goes into renting the new Up & Cummers Part 14. First you tell your significant other that you’ll just be gone for a few minutes to fetch some milk. Once the seed (I mean lie) is planted and you arrive at your destination, then comes a good half hour of circling before you decide to park about 14 blocks away. Once inside you pretend to be interested in the new releases only to make a bee line to the adults only section. You keep your head down, tell yourself to focus on the goal and make sure you don’t inadvertently grab some gay porn. At the checkout counter, you hope the cashier doesn’t think you’re an uber-perv as you fumble for your credit card, cash, loose change or whatever you need to pay and get the hell out of dodge. And the misery continues because the next day you still need to return the damn things. So the moral of the story is, before you consider venturing out late at night, save yourself the shame because pleasure is only a click away.

Slipper Genie

A product that you would think that Kramerica invented, the slipper genie. You can clean your floors while you walk:

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Cawfe Talk

As a self professed coffee junkie I have scoured the 4 corners of the globe in search of the perfect cuppa brew. Okay maybe not the 4 corners of the globe but in a city dominated by Starbucks, Blenz, Timmy's and countless other mediocre coffee joints, it's good to know there are a few gems out there. The names Prado Cafe, Elysian Room and 49th Parallel coffee roasters cafe may not elicit the same recognition among the masses but to the true coffee aficionado, a cuppa drip from them is truely a cuppa black mana from heaven. They are all nestled in nicely tucked away places never becoming too mainstream. They say drinking good coffee is akin to drinking good wine with hints of chocolate, peaches and apricots as flavours. So remember the next time you're at your local Blenz or Starbucks ordering a slo roasta notasta frappachinno with hints of soot and burnt ribs, I'll be at one of the noted cafes above enjoying a cup of Ethiopian Yirgacheffe.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Ultimate Office Etiquette Guide

It's almost as if you have no business training at all...

After a massage

I feel as loose as creamed corn.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round, the jar is round, they should call it Roundtine!