Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The 40 Year Old Office Virgin

I’d had the pleasure to work in a few sketchy establishments in my lifetime, so I would be considered somewhat of an expert on this subject. The office environment is rife with sidlers, low talkers and individuals of questionable b.o., although those are all topics for another time.

One of the most fascinating of office creatures is the 40 year old office virgin. Everyone always has an idea of who this individual might be in the office but then again, we’re not exactly looking for Ted Bundy here. One particular individual I used to work with, whom I ascertained to be a 40 Y.O.O.V. exhibited these telltale signs:

- Love of Japanese Hentai porn
- Extended bathroom breaks (quite often accompanied by Japanese hentai porn tucked
unassumingly under the arm)
- Egg salad sandwiches
- Excessive tidiness
- All clothing must be tucked into the pants even if sweats are involved
- Propensity to avoid alcohol (or if somehow alcohol was consumed would turn into “the office groper”)
- Any eye contact with members of the opposite sex, good looking or otherwise often leads to a perspiration outbreak
- Great love of art house films (Night at the Roxbury or Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecaste do NOT fit the bill)
-Fascination with the Lionel Ritchie song “Hello”
- Tends to buy copious amounts of girl scout cookies and never eat them

While these individuals are generally harmless, angering them can lead to retaliatory behavior such as stealing of one’s swingline stapler and entombing it in jello or pasting of said offender’s face to a picture of David Hasselhof and circulating it around the office in a TPS Report.

In my personal experience the best way to deal with a 40 Y.O.O.V is not to deal with them at all. As the old adage goes, if the stalls a knocking don’t come a…….okay well that’s just kind of gross because we know there’s no woman involved.

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