Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a guy carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the guy. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the guy wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Joke of the Week
Friday, June 6, 2008
Friday Fun
Do you think you have what it takes to impress Gordon Ramsay? Download the free Hell's Kitchen game. Pay to get the uncensored version.
Or see what it is like to be a waitress:
Penguin Diner
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The Allure of the Deal
What is it about a deal that makes people lose all semblance of rationality and buy something they normally wouldn’t? I had a friend who was willing to buy a Versace dress 2 sizes too big and hideous as hell for the chance to say I have a Versace dress. I mean it was 90% off but at $2000, it still would have cost her $200. Good price but red carpet material it wasn’t. We’ve all been guilty of buying something we never wanted simply because the deal was too good to pass up. Just recently I was boxing day shopping when I came across a stunning Armani jacket for $400, marked down from $1200 retail. Now I’ve always wanted to own an Armani anything so I tried it on. Wouldn’t you know it, it was a perfect fit. I stood in front of the mirror admiring myself and like Nicolas Cage in the family man thought “I don’t know why but this jacket makes me a better person.. When I got home I looked at my shoe rack and thought “Now which pair of $60 outlet shoes should I match with it”?
Human Tailgating
It's bad enough that we have to endure people riding your bumper while you're going 120 clicks in the fast lane but going down an escalator? What have rush hour commuters turned into in an effort to shave 5 minutes off their daily commute? As I was going down the escalator in the left lane (aka the fast lane) this morning, this young petite girl was right on my tail. For some reason, it was strangely similar to being tailgated by a Mazda Miata. As I hurdled down the stairs two at time, warm bialy in one hand, a cup of Dean and Deluca in the other, worlds were definetely colliding. I think tomorrow morning I'm just gonna move my Chevy Suburban ass over to the right.
Sounds like a plot from a Hollywood movie
The heist of the Bill Reid collection at Museum of Anthropology at UBC is now sounding like a plan from a Hollywood movie. Several hours before the heist, surveillance cameras mysteriously went off, and then security got a phone call. The caller claimed to be from the alarm company saying that there was a problem with the system and to ignore any alarms that might go off. Right....haven't we seen this enough during heist films and especially when Han Solo was telling Imperial guards that everything was OK. Well security fell for it and ignored the automated computer alerts sent to them. Furthermore, the guard at the museum left for a smoke break, allowing the window for the thieves to break in and spray bear spray. No wonder UBC was embarrassed to let us know how the heist happened.
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