Joke of the Week

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in a farmer's garden."I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato" said the boy to the farmer, pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "

Yes, I'll give you that one for two cents." replied the farmer.

"Ok," said the small boy, sealing the deal by placing his coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Joke of the Week

A young boy enters a barber shop and the Barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The Barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the Barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Joke of the Week

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, and I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra: Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black and blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies, "DEEP HEAT?! Are you insane? You can't put Deep Heat on your dick while it's in that condition!!"

Crash says, "I know. It's for my arms - the girls didn't show up..."

Joke of the Week

Three Labrador Retrievers -one brown, one yellow and one black- were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?". The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I go on everything - the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I went in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?". The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I want to do everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

Joke of the Week

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that"...

Joke of the Week

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realised he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up finishing all eighteen.

He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, and then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

Joke of the Week

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?".


Harry: "9".


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and teacher, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."


The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"


Harry, after a moment, "Legs."


Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Pockets."


Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"


Harry: "Pants"


Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of hot excitement?"


Harry: "Fire truck"


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade. Hell, I missed the last four questions myself."

Joke of the Week

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks, "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"

Grandpa replies, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered, "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."

Gramps says, "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks, "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?"

Once again, Grandpa asks, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little."

Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar".

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"

The boy asks, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Gramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass."

The little boy replies, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these for me."

Joke of the Week

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.

The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

Joke of the Week

Two Jewish men, Morrey and Eli were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Morrey asked Eli, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in China?"

Eli replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Eli asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Chinese Jews."

Eli wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with Gwai Lo's gave the expected answer, "I will check again," and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Morrey said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "The head cook said there is no Chinese Jews."

"Are you certain?" Morrey asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Chinese Jews!"

"I ask everyone," replied the exasperated waiter. "All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews."

Joke of the Week

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How very unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed?" said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
M
other Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT!?"

Joke of the Week

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. "I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!" "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

Joke of the Week

A mother took her young daughter to an art museum. They came across a statue of a naked man.

The daughter pointed to its penis and asked, "What's that?"

The mother said, "That's something boys have and girls don't."

Her daughter said, "But I want one."

Wanting to end the conversation as quickly as possible, the mother said, "Well, if you're a good girl you'll get one when you grow up."

Her daughter asked, "And what if I'm bad?"

A security guard who overheard the conversation mumbled, "Then you'll get lots of them!"

-----
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?".

She replied, "Because I really miss mine."

Joke of the Week

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek says "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon."

The Irishman replies, "Well, it was the Irish who discovered the summer and winter solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, "The Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Irishman replies, "Indeed, 'tis true but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."

Joke of the Week

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted the man with the Porsche standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Joke of the Week

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were... 'fuck or drown'".

Joke of the Week

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

--
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy said "Me feet are freezing, will you nip upstairs and get my slippers for me?"

"No bother", said Murphy and goes upstairs. There he finds Paddy's stunning twin 19 year old daughters sitting on the bed.

"Hello girls", he said smiling, "Your Dad sent me up here to shag the pair of ye!"

"Feck off ya liar!" they replied.

"I'll prove it!" says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course! What's the use of fucking one?"

Joke of the Week

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer."

Joke of the Week

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a guy carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the guy. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the guy wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

Joke of the Week

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"