Hell's This...Answered

I would like to thank the anonymous commenter for enlightening me on the truck testicles. Quite the classy contraption this is.

I suppose you're never too old to learn something new.

Henry Ford must be turning in his grave. However, I say this is a helluva product for Kramerica Industries.

PS This would look good with my Club and Window Visor

Ripped Homeless Man

I used to be in fairly decent shape and by decent shape I mean there was very little spillage when I put on my 501’s. These days what I long for more than a chocolate éclair, is to be able to recapture the metabolism and athleticism of my youth. Not that I’m old by any stretch of the imagination but fatherhood and age have ravaged my once toned body beyond recognition. Father time has definitely not been kind to me. The current weekly regiment of old timer’s ball hockey and occasional gym visit seem to do little to stop the morphing of my body into a physique worthy of George Costanza. You can imagine my dismay when I happen upon a shirtless binner with the abs of Antonio Sabato Jr and the chest of Adonis. And to add further insult to injury, he had a George Hamiltonesque tan. How does a homeless person find time to work out regularly and fit in some fake n bake to boot? I suppose pushing a shopping cart full of aluminum pop cans might have sometime to do with it. Had I known that all I had to do to keep in shape was to push around a shopping cart, I would have added that to my regiment years ago. I suppose I can take solace in the fact that even though he was ripped, at least he wasn’t handsome

The Hell's This?

The Job

Bring Back The Club

Remember about 10 years ago? Everyone had The Club and/or a dashboard protector (cleverly sold with an image of a sunglass) for their car. Doesn't matter what kind of car you had. BMW? Club. Ford Bronco? Visor. Chevette? Club and a visor! Everywhere you looked, there was The Club.

These days though, with alarm systems and immobilzers being commonplace, we've seen a sharp decline in the use of The Club and dashboard protectors. With no alarm or immobilzer to call my own, but wanting to ensure a secured and moderately warm car, I feel kind of left in a lurch, sacrificing a certain amount of sophistication for savings and automotive security.

Tough part is, what am I to do on a date? Slip the valet a fiver, covertly pass along the sunglass dash protector and carefully, yet firmly instruct, "now this little key here..." Should that go unnoticed by the date, am I to drop her off at her house, follow the invite upstairs with the distinctive clicking lock of The Club?

It's a fine balancing act being a single, cheap and paranoid man. I say, let's all get back on equal footing - bring back The Club!

Buffet Etiquette

I recently visited a few traditional buffets and noticed that people are indeed morons. A buffet is no excuse to act like a neanderthal. It's all-you-can eat, not all-you-can-crude. Here are my oberservations:

1] If you do not cut into line at a store lineup waiting to pay for your purchase, do not cut into line to get that meatball.

2] Do not take a plate, touch it, inspect it and decide it's dirty and place it back on the plate stack in front of somebody.

3] Do not pick one-by-one, the best piece of rib in front of everyone.

4] Do not take all the shrimp when there is a lineup behind you.

5] Do not eat so much that you have to puke in the washroom for the next person to see.

6] Do not stare at the fat people.

7] For god's sake, tip the wait staff, they still clean up the crap that you leave behind.

8] Do not take a mound of food on 3 different plates, it's a buffet, there will be more food.

9] Do not secretly place food in your purse, it's against the rules and frankly it's disgusting.

10] Be polite, don't grunt like a caveman, even though you are gorging like one.

11] Don't complain about the food especially if the buffet costs you $10. What did you expect?

If we follow some general rules of the buffet, we would all be happier, if not fuller.

Have you ever seen Junior?

Have you ever seen that crappy Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Junior? Well the movie was about a male doctor who did a research project to become pregnant. Very far fetched idea, right? Well it seems that a guy in Oregon is pregnant.